My Autism Insights

I rarely post more than once a day, but I just came across this ABC News story about very happy couple, both with autism, and I couldn’t pass up sharing it.

Video

Enjoy!

Right now I’m thankful that we all got through the morning with no tears.  We came close!

Otherwise, today I am thankful for:

Having a night off from any obligations.  As grateful as I am to have my job, it’s also been a tiring week, and I’m happy for the rest.  Gus had a rough day yesterday and a difficult morning, which was a bit draining for me as well.  Heaven would be to get to sleep before 10:30.

PARP - Parents as Reading Partners.  This year both kids were involved in this reading program at concurrent times.  It’s been lots of fun, and we’ve really enjoyed going through several chapter books together.  Gus’s pick has been the Magic Treehouse series by Mary Pope Osborne.  Historical/fantasy, extremely well researched and loads of fun.  She even wrote reference books for some of the later works in the series.  Another series he loves is Time Spies series by Candice Ransom, again these are incredibly well done historical fantasy, which seems to be the genre of choice lately.  (I’ve even learned quite a bit from both series.) We’re going to try Encyclopedia Brown when we’re done with these.  Both kids also enjoy the Junie B. Jones books by Barbara Park, which are hilarious, and even though the character, Junie B., is probably not the best model of socially appropriate behavior for Gus, he seems able to recognize her lapses in social skills, so they are helpful in that way.

Finally, I’m thankful for all my visitors, readers, EC droppers, commenters, Twitter followers and pretty much everyone who has supported this blog!  I don’t always reply to comments because the interface is clunky and annoying, but I just wanted to throw out a big THANK YOU!  Your presence and support is much appreciated!

And now, please share your gratitude as well!  Have a great Thursday!

It seems there have been quite a few things to be thankful about this week, but I’ll stick to my usual 3:

1. I am thankful for the amazing weather we’ve had.  It’s been like springtime and I can see the difference in mood and energy level for all of us.  The fact that he just caught a cold will not dampen my glee and having a whole week of not having to wear 20 layers inside the house.

2. I am thankful that Gus received a People Respecting Others award at his quarterly assembly yesterday.  I thought it was an academic award, but I really like the fact that he got a reward for something more related to social skills.  It’s an awesome positive reinforcer.

3. I am thankful for the great conversation I had with the teacher of the class our district has been trying to get me to agree to send Gus to.  I’ll be visiting the class next week even though I doubt I’ll want him to move.  But I’m going in with an open mind.

I am also thankful that giving up sugar hasn’t killed me in the…one day I’ve been off it, but that’s a story for another blog!  Please share your gratitude below and have a great weekend!

Here’s what I find ironic:

Parents of autistic kids will spend a great deal of time teaching their kids social skills for a variety of situations.  For example, when we take the kids to a restaurant, there’s always some discussion of the restaurant rules: using inside voices, staying in our seats, using utensils…It’s a good bit of work, but we do this because we want our children to be able to function in a less-than-tolerant society.

Why then can we go to a restaurant and see a group - 2 adult women and 4 children under the age of 10 - where the children wandering around the restaurant for the majority of the time they were there?  They weren’t being exactly obnoxious, it just seems like life has thrown us yet another double standard.  They didn’t get any funny looks (that I noticed) for wandering around tables where people were eating…standing in chairs…climbing on the fireplace…

And yet my child is the one labeled with the “problems.”

“Does that seem right to you?” ~Jubal Early, Firefly.

Mary at Bon Bon Gazette and the NJ Moms Blog did a couple of posts on this on this topic that I saw last week, and then I read this comment from a reader to my weekend post:

“I also have a son with aspergers syndrome. Justin is 12 yrs old a very quiet pre-teen.  Who is a 7th grader in Jr. High. My main concern is that the kids at his school has started seeing him as an “easy target”. Justin won’t tell on these kids because he doesn’t want to get people in trouble. He is such a kind hearted boy and wouldn’t even hurt a fly. How can I get him to understand that what these kids are doing to him is very wrong and he needs to get help from an adult to put a stop to this once and for all? Please somebody help me and tell me what I should do as a parent!”

It’s disturbing that bullying is such a prevalent reality for so many students with special needs.  With most kids on the autism spectrum, they may not look any different from their peers, but they often exhibit behaviors or a lack of social savvy that makes them easy targets for bullies.  The harassment typically becomes a serious issue around middle school age and can last through high school.  A conversation with Gus’s counselor revealed that students on the autism spectrum often don’t understand that they are being mistreated; they can think the abusers are their friends and that must be the way friends act.  She mentioned a high school Aspie who would do some pretty outlandish things at the urging of other students because he didn’t realize they were mocking him.  Another child began to view the physical abuse he was receiving at school as a ‘ritual’ and it fed into his perseverative tendencies.  He would actually seek out the bullies because the abuse became his pattern until he was hurt and the school nurse intervened.  The victims will usually not speak up for themselves, and the bullying may not go unchecked until there is some severe incident or the victim’s behavior begins to change and a parent, teacher or counselor takes notice.

Schools are becoming more responsive to these incidents because the situation has gotten so bad.  Although there are federal laws (Rehabilitation Act of 1973, Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990) protecting the disabled against harassment in any educational facility that received public funding, on a practical level, it doesn’t offer much in the way of prevention.  So what can parents do to protect their children from being tormented by their peers?

Be Aware

You can’t be with your child all the time, but you can be aware of any changes in your child’s behavior or appearance.  Notice if your child is coming home dirty, with torn clothing or with bruises.  Changes in behavior may include reluctance to go to school, an increase in behaviors that indicate distress (like stimming), changes in sleeping or eating, flinching, aggression or out-of-the-ordinary withdrawal.  Also, don’t be afraid to ask questions of teachers and classroom aides to stay on top of what goes on during the school day.

Your IEP as a Tool

While you can’t directly have antibullying written into your child’s IEP, there are goals that can be written in to help reduce the risk of bullying.  Goals that specifically work to increase social skills like recognizing social cues, assertiveness, or avoiding and handling bullying can be helpful.  In addition, it may be possible to request services to prevent bullying such as staff monitoring in areas where bullying is likely to occur.  If bullying has or is occurring, counseling support should be made available.

Educate the Peers

Emily at A Life Less Ordinary has had to deal with bullying and came up with a fantastic idea to educate her son’s peers about her son so that they would have a better understanding of some of his behavior.  If Bullying Prevention programs at schools took a similar approach and educated their students about autism and other special needs, it might help reduce the ‘otherness’ of the special needs students.  See what your child’s school or district might have in place for conducting this kind of diversity training.  If nothing’s available, be proactive and try to get something started.  And remember that kids who are neither bullies nor victims can play a role in bullying prevention as well by being encouraged to take a stand against it, as noted in the Autism Asperger Publishing Company’s Winter 2006 Newsletter, which was devoted to the issue of bullying.

Who Should You Take the Issue Up With?

As much as parents want to protect their child’s well being, it is possible to make the matter worse if you address the bully directly – it can just cause the situation to escalate.  But you can’t ignore it either.  Likewise, contacting the bully’s parents might have an adverse effect.  If the incidents occur in school, start with your child’s teacher.  If that doesn’t help, try the school principal.  In severe cases, or situations where the school administration can’t control the situation to keep your child safe, remember that the law is on your side if you have to contact local authorities.  If you still don’t feel that your child is safe, home schooling may be an option to consider, at least for a while.

Other reading

Some available resources:

Preventing Bullying of Children and Youth on the Autism Spectrum

Bullying (and Asperger’s Syndrome)

Bullying Among Children and Youth with Disabilities and Special Needs

NAS: Bullying: A Guide for Parents

And The Gray Center has several books and a DVD available on the topic of bullying as well.

If you have anything to add, or if I’ve misstated something, by all means, add to the discussion of this very important topic.

image by gmbmom on Photobucket

Gus and I have been playing a little game where he pretends to carry me on his back (like I do for him sometimes) and he collapses under my weight.  This came about because I said he couldn’t possibly carry me.

This morning, he took my hands and slung them around his shoulders and tried to start the game again.  When he collapsed I said, “What’s the matter am I too heavy?”

“Yes!”

After a laugh, I replied, “You’re supposed to say, ‘No, Mommy! You’re light as a feather!’”

Then I explained how he should never tell a woman she’s heavy; it would hurt her feelings.

“But some of them are!”

I can’t really argue with that.

I’ll have a more useful post later in the week after I finish with a monster deadline.  In the meantime, feel free to browse this blog & if you like it, why not subscribe?

Have a great day!!

prompt from Mo at Manic Monday

First an update on our tree situation:  It is still standing and well!  There’s been some sort of Christmas miracle!  Several of our keepsake ornaments have been dismembered, but a little glue has saved most of those.  Gus seems to have lost interest in redecorating the tree.  I’d attribute this to either being distracted by gifts and things under the tree, or perhaps he just finally got it just the way he wanted it.  One string of lights bit the dust, but they’re so fragile, I didn’t even give it a second thought.  So our tree drama seems to be over and so far things have been peaceful.

And now on to a tree post of a different sort.  If you’ve been following, you’ll know that Gus has a little obsession with Pokemon.  Last Christmas we gave him the Pokemon DVD board game.  I give it high points for replay value - they had me playing this morning even before breakfast.  I got to play the character Brock who starts with a Pokemon named Sudowoodo.  Sudowoodo evolves from Bonsly - a baby bonsai tree - into a small human sized, walking tree.  Why is he a rock type?  Even Gus, guru of all things Pokemon, has not been able to explain that to me.

Of course, he won the game and had to help MM and me with most of our trivia questions.  I often question the wisdom in letting him have his obsession - is it smart to encourage it?  I think, at least in this case, it probably is.  I think Pokemon has been a vehicle for his to work on social skills.  It’s one of the few board games he’ll actually play, although we do have to work on the inappropriate or insensitive things he says when someone doesn’t know an answer or when someone else is losing and upset about it (like his sister).  He’s getting the Pokemon card game this year, along with a Pokedex, and a Pokemon encyclopedia covering all 3 regions.  The boy will be in hog heaven as they say.  And if I can sneak a peek at that encyclopedia, I may just beat him at the game one of these days.

There were so many supportive and helpful comments to my post yesterday , I felt they deserved a post to say Thank You!!  It always amazes me that there are just so many awesome people who read and comment on my little corner of the Internet - it really boggles the mind some days.

We’ve tossed around some of your suggestions, and obviously this will be a process of trial and error as he grows and develops social skills.  We thought about Scouts, but without one of us to be at the meetings & activities with him, aside from the fact that I don’t see how Gus would even keep up, I’m not convinced that he wouldn’t bolt at the first chance, especially if the local troop is a big one. A friend suggested that maybe they’d have someone who could act as a shadow/mentor, but before I trust my son’s well being to anyone, obviously I’d have to know them extremely well.  And even then, the trust is tenuous at best.  I can’t say I’m the most forgiving person when it comes to some things.

As for sports, I think there may be a couple of indoor soccer games over the winter, but in the meantime, I’m looking into a special needs bowling league.  He might like that.  And I’m going to see if he can hang out, maybe over the holidays, with one of the boys from his class who I think doesn’t live too far.

He loves to sing, so I’m thinking maybe a voice class or chorus might be an option also.

At any rate, I will certainly take all your suggestions and input into consideration, and again, I really appreciate the great response to my question!!

Have a great Saturday night!

As my daughter’s class explores questions of wants vs. needs, and we spend a laugh-filled, lovely evening with some of my husbands oldest and dearest friends, I am forced back to an issue that I often avoid thinking about.  How do I help Gus find a friend?  Are friends a want or a need, especially for a kid who prefers to be alone?

Listening to all the hilarious stories of a group of boys between the ages of 12 and…well, now, I was struck by how such simple encounters made for the longest lasting memories.  I realized just how dumb ‘tween and teen boys can be (No offense, C!  I love the stories and I’m honestly a little jealous of all the fun you all had!) but also that on a very tangible level, they need the wild release that they can only get from being around other boys their age.  The wildness seems to forge them into the men they will become.  There seem to be valuable lessons in that nuttiness.  Look at Mowgli from The Jungle Book.  He had all those adventures with Baloo, which cause Baghera endless headaches, but in the end he was able to become civilized.  He grew from those adventures.  What happens to a boy then who doesn’t have those formative, crazy-male-bonding experiences?

The trouble is mostly that he never seems all that interested in being friends with anyone.  He has, on the rare occasion, approached a boy his age, but it almost never works out and he ends up alone - happily I should add.  There are very few boys his age in the neighborhood, and they don’t have the patience for someone who can’t quite keep up or for someone who takes so much work just to have a conversation with.  I’m usually just happy they’re not mean to him when he’s around; they just sort of ignore him.  Every rainbow colored moon, they will play together if there’s an adult (my husband) facilitating a game.

If he’s happier on his own then, is it right for me to push him into situations where he has to interact with other boys his age?  Is it fair?  Is it setting him up for anxiety and heartache?  But if I don’t, he misses out on a huge part of male development, it seems.

This came up at his parent-teacher conference, and we all tried to brainstorm ways to get him into a social setting.  We thought of music classes or bowling.  Soccer, which is on hiatus now anyway, is too busy to allow for developing much of a friendship.  They run, they go home, end of story.  Bowling has possibilities, and I’ll call about a special-needs team in the area.  Music classes don’t strike me as the best social opportunity, although he does love it.  I won’t even get into the cost issue for music classes.

Should I get him involved in an online community for kids?  Maybe I can find a Pokemon kids forum or something.  A pen-pal would be better than nothing at this point.

There’s also the possibility that I don’t need to be so concerned about this and he’ll be just fine without my interference.  I don’t know - thoughts?  And my apologies if I’m rambly - that kind of day.

image by Petr Kratochvil

The past two weeks, Gus has been goofing off with another player on his team.  He and the little girl, T., have been distracting each other a great deal, chasing each other around the field instead of playing the actual game of soccer.  It’s been rather cute and considering that he often keeps to himself, I welcome any opportunity for him to connect to a peer.

Well he connected a little more during the game yesterday.  The mentors were doing a good job keeping both players focused, but occasionally, they would bump into each other and play a quick game of Tag before getting back to drills.  At one point, he decided to grab her hand and they walked downfield together.  Insert image of jaw dropping here.

Of course I couldn’t resist the temptation to ask if she was his girlfriend and to needle him just a bit.  He took it in stride and said that she was not in fact his girlfriend, but his rival.  Glad to see the Pokemon lingo is still firmly embedded in his brain.  We actually had an interesting conversation before he went to bed about who his friends were.  He never seemed to give this much thought, but last night he said that T. was not his friend, and in truth, they don’t know each other well, so in a way I guess he’s right.   But he did tell me something distinctive about each boy in his class (all boy) and he had the happiest expression on his face.  They are his friends.  So much for never being able to forge relationships like the idiot psychologist tried to tell us years ago when he was diagnosed.  Gus will form the kinds of relationships that he wants to and on his own terms.

And if he wants to call a girlfriend a rival, who am I to stand in his way?