My Autism Insights

Mary at Bon Bon Gazette and the NJ Moms Blog did a couple of posts on this on this topic that I saw last week, and then I read this comment from a reader to my weekend post:

“I also have a son with aspergers syndrome. Justin is 12 yrs old a very quiet pre-teen.  Who is a 7th grader in Jr. High. My main concern is that the kids at his school has started seeing him as an “easy target”. Justin won’t tell on these kids because he doesn’t want to get people in trouble. He is such a kind hearted boy and wouldn’t even hurt a fly. How can I get him to understand that what these kids are doing to him is very wrong and he needs to get help from an adult to put a stop to this once and for all? Please somebody help me and tell me what I should do as a parent!”

It’s disturbing that bullying is such a prevalent reality for so many students with special needs.  With most kids on the autism spectrum, they may not look any different from their peers, but they often exhibit behaviors or a lack of social savvy that makes them easy targets for bullies.  The harassment typically becomes a serious issue around middle school age and can last through high school.  A conversation with Gus’s counselor revealed that students on the autism spectrum often don’t understand that they are being mistreated; they can think the abusers are their friends and that must be the way friends act.  She mentioned a high school Aspie who would do some pretty outlandish things at the urging of other students because he didn’t realize they were mocking him.  Another child began to view the physical abuse he was receiving at school as a ‘ritual’ and it fed into his perseverative tendencies.  He would actually seek out the bullies because the abuse became his pattern until he was hurt and the school nurse intervened.  The victims will usually not speak up for themselves, and the bullying may not go unchecked until there is some severe incident or the victim’s behavior begins to change and a parent, teacher or counselor takes notice.

Schools are becoming more responsive to these incidents because the situation has gotten so bad.  Although there are federal laws (Rehabilitation Act of 1973, Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990) protecting the disabled against harassment in any educational facility that received public funding, on a practical level, it doesn’t offer much in the way of prevention.  So what can parents do to protect their children from being tormented by their peers?

Be Aware

You can’t be with your child all the time, but you can be aware of any changes in your child’s behavior or appearance.  Notice if your child is coming home dirty, with torn clothing or with bruises.  Changes in behavior may include reluctance to go to school, an increase in behaviors that indicate distress (like stimming), changes in sleeping or eating, flinching, aggression or out-of-the-ordinary withdrawal.  Also, don’t be afraid to ask questions of teachers and classroom aides to stay on top of what goes on during the school day.

Your IEP as a Tool

While you can’t directly have antibullying written into your child’s IEP, there are goals that can be written in to help reduce the risk of bullying.  Goals that specifically work to increase social skills like recognizing social cues, assertiveness, or avoiding and handling bullying can be helpful.  In addition, it may be possible to request services to prevent bullying such as staff monitoring in areas where bullying is likely to occur.  If bullying has or is occurring, counseling support should be made available.

Educate the Peers

Emily at A Life Less Ordinary has had to deal with bullying and came up with a fantastic idea to educate her son’s peers about her son so that they would have a better understanding of some of his behavior.  If Bullying Prevention programs at schools took a similar approach and educated their students about autism and other special needs, it might help reduce the ‘otherness’ of the special needs students.  See what your child’s school or district might have in place for conducting this kind of diversity training.  If nothing’s available, be proactive and try to get something started.  And remember that kids who are neither bullies nor victims can play a role in bullying prevention as well by being encouraged to take a stand against it, as noted in the Autism Asperger Publishing Company’s Winter 2006 Newsletter, which was devoted to the issue of bullying.

Who Should You Take the Issue Up With?

As much as parents want to protect their child’s well being, it is possible to make the matter worse if you address the bully directly – it can just cause the situation to escalate.  But you can’t ignore it either.  Likewise, contacting the bully’s parents might have an adverse effect.  If the incidents occur in school, start with your child’s teacher.  If that doesn’t help, try the school principal.  In severe cases, or situations where the school administration can’t control the situation to keep your child safe, remember that the law is on your side if you have to contact local authorities.  If you still don’t feel that your child is safe, home schooling may be an option to consider, at least for a while.

Other reading

Some available resources:

Preventing Bullying of Children and Youth on the Autism Spectrum

Bullying (and Asperger’s Syndrome)

Bullying Among Children and Youth with Disabilities and Special Needs

NAS: Bullying: A Guide for Parents

And The Gray Center has several books and a DVD available on the topic of bullying as well.

If you have anything to add, or if I’ve misstated something, by all means, add to the discussion of this very important topic.

It seems like it should be second nature for a big brother to come to his little sister’s defense, especially when someone of his peer group is the offender.  Except in the case of a child who normally does not take notice of said peers, it’s pretty extraordinary to see him stick up for his sister.  Even if the attempt was unsuccessful.

Gus had just woken from a nap when we arrived at the playground, and the oppressive heat and humidity only served to make him a big ball of mush.  He slumped over the steering wheel of a toy tractor and just lazed around watching the other kids play.  Meanwhile, M. decided she wanted to play with one of the puzzle toys under the canopy part of the jungle gym.  The six year old who had staked his claim to the territory ruled differently.

“You have to be six to play in here,” he said.  M. tried to stand her ground, she’s a tough little cookie, but he wouldn’t cow to her demands or her tears.  She came running to me.  Before I could finish giving her the appropriate words to use, I heard Gus over at the jungle gym interrogating the little bully.

“What did you say to M?” he demanded.  Wow!  Great going! I thought.  I listened closer.

“Did you tell her you were going to eat her up?”  Okay, that’s a little tangential, but he’s seven; they do that.  “Did you tell her to do the laundry?” 

Er…

Yeah, that wasn’t remotely an effective intimidation tactic.  When he started perseverating on the laundry question, the little bully pretty much just ignored Gus.  M. had calmed down by then, confronted the boy very politely (with a couple of nudges from me) and the boy’s father stepped in.  She got to play with the puzzles.  Gus, had long since gotten distracted by something else.

But he noticed, and he tried.  He’s getting it!  HOO-rah!  Now that’s what I call progress.  I better watch what I ask her to do around here from now on, or I may find myself on his bad side.

It’s a pretty cruel irony that the majority of autism diagnoses being made are for little boys.   We live in a world that is generally less tolerant of boys than of girls, yet these poor boys have it even harder.  Think about it.  If a little boy and a little girl were engaging in the same behavior - throwing rocks, for example - the boy might get yelled at, chased, or maybe spanked by his parents.  The little girl would probably be reprimanded more politely and gently, maybe a finger would be shaken at her.  From a fairly young age, boys start to be challenged by their peers much more aggressively than girls (although that is rapidly changing, I’ve noticed).  At my son’s age - seven - boys will already start with shoving and physical intimidation, whereas, I think it starts a little later with girls. 

I remember having a conversation with my brother years ago about how he noticed his reactions to his own children.  He said that he was often more stern with his son because he wanted him to ‘toughen up,’ while his daughter was often handled more gently.  I think it is fairly typical from the earliest ages to want little boys to learn to ’suck it up’ and be strong, so we tend to treat them more harshly.  When you’ve got a large population of boys who don’t understand the rules, well, we all know where that’s going.

I seriously wonder if Jarett Farrell had been an autistic girl if the outcome would have been different.

I don’t mean to say that autistic girls don’t have it hard or that girls in general don’t have their own challenges ( I have a daughter, too) but I think as far as tolerance goes, boys get a bit cheated.

And yes this has everything to do with the kid at the beach the other day and the young woman at the beach who made a gesture like she wanted to hit my son because he was kicking sand too close to her.  The summer has started off pretty rough so far, but I don’t think it’s fair for me to just ban him from the beach either.  We paid our dues and he has just as much right to be there as anyone else, without being threatened or called names because he’s autistic or because he’s a little boy.

Why would a “hyperactive” kid not jump at the chance to go out to play or to go to the beach? Gus had to be dragged out to the beach today. He might still be tuckered out from our camping trip, but it seems that he has been getting especially drowsy from the Strattera. I’ve noticed a certain lethargy lately, followed by crankiness, that is very out of character for him. It’s depressing, to be honest. Autism didn’t steal my son, but apparently, Strattera is making a good go of it. The things he loves are only providing half the joy they used to.

At the beach, he was so zoned out that the minimal focus he may be gaining (which I don’t see any, personally) is pretty much negated. He’s become unresponsive; it’s like he’s regressed to where he was a year ago.

And of course since he’s not noticing what’s going on around him, less than he had been prior to being on the meds, he was doing things to irritate other people on the beach like the kid who called him “weird” and started splashing Gus and yelling at him. (Ironic side note, the kid didn’t want to be splashed, yet felt the need to keep splashing Gus when Gus was moving away instead of just stopping. I won’t get started on how much I want to pummel kids who go out of their way to be mean to my son.) Then there was the woman who got splashed and Gus had to get out of the water. She looked annoyed, but at the same time, if you’re in a lake with a bunch of kids splashing around, isn’t it kind of expected that you might get wet?

Anyway…

One more week of this stuff, and then I’m politely telling the doctor where to stick his prescription. Gus has had his “significant length of time on a good dose.” I’m done with it.