Dec 05 2008
The Need for Friends
As my daughter’s class explores questions of wants vs. needs, and we spend a laugh-filled, lovely evening with some of my husbands oldest and dearest friends, I am forced back to an issue that I often avoid thinking about. How do I help Gus find a friend? Are friends a want or a need, especially for a kid who prefers to be alone?
Listening to all the hilarious stories of a group of boys between the ages of 12 and…well, now, I was struck by how such simple encounters made for the longest lasting memories. I realized just how dumb ‘tween and teen boys can be (No offense, C! I love the stories and I’m honestly a little jealous of all the fun you all had!) but also that on a very tangible level, they need the wild release that they can only get from being around other boys their age. The wildness seems to forge them into the men they will become. There seem to be valuable lessons in that nuttiness. Look at Mowgli from The Jungle Book. He had all those adventures with Baloo, which cause Baghera endless headaches, but in the end he was able to become civilized. He grew from those adventures. What happens to a boy then who doesn’t have those formative, crazy-male-bonding experiences?
The trouble is mostly that he never seems all that interested in being friends with anyone. He has, on the rare occasion, approached a boy his age, but it almost never works out and he ends up alone - happily I should add. There are very few boys his age in the neighborhood, and they don’t have the patience for someone who can’t quite keep up or for someone who takes so much work just to have a conversation with. I’m usually just happy they’re not mean to him when he’s around; they just sort of ignore him. Every rainbow colored moon, they will play together if there’s an adult (my husband) facilitating a game.
If he’s happier on his own then, is it right for me to push him into situations where he has to interact with other boys his age? Is it fair? Is it setting him up for anxiety and heartache? But if I don’t, he misses out on a huge part of male development, it seems.
This came up at his parent-teacher conference, and we all tried to brainstorm ways to get him into a social setting. We thought of music classes or bowling. Soccer, which is on hiatus now anyway, is too busy to allow for developing much of a friendship. They run, they go home, end of story. Bowling has possibilities, and I’ll call about a special-needs team in the area. Music classes don’t strike me as the best social opportunity, although he does love it. I won’t even get into the cost issue for music classes.
Should I get him involved in an online community for kids? Maybe I can find a Pokemon kids forum or something. A pen-pal would be better than nothing at this point.
There’s also the possibility that I don’t need to be so concerned about this and he’ll be just fine without my interference. I don’t know - thoughts? And my apologies if I’m rambly - that kind of day.
My son has enormous physical issues, but is mentally normal. I know he wants friends, but the only ones he has ever had were friends of mine who took an interest in him and the son of a nurse we used to have who saw him perhaps once a year. I struggle with how to find people who are willing to be friends with him, and I have no answer myself.
I do think, though, that their having friends is imporant. How can they ever learn to tell real friends from people who just want to exploit them if they never have a friend to begin with?
I look at my son, whose friendship I have had for many years now, and I know that other people are missing out. He is worth knowing. It is how to make him known that is the problem. I don’t have an answer to my problem, either.
He is SO worth knowing!
It’s a disheartening dilema.
believe it or not you can get many friends from playing sports. Guys naturally bond based on their physical abilities, like how hard they can kick the ball or how fast they can run, stuff like that. All kids need to learn to be social its an important part of being in society. The more friends you have the easier it is to climb the social ladder and economic opportunities. So try to involve him in sports, online games, forums of his age. While they maybe shy and hesitant at first, sometimes kids do need that parental push.